It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.