The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.