The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.