The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.