She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."