She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.