We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.