A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.