A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.