We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.