We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.