We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.