I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.