I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.