I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.