I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.