I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.