I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.