There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.