There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."