There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.