I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.