My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.