My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.