My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.