My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.