My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.