She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.