She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."