A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.