A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.