This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.