This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.