My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.