My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.