My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.