I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.

Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes.

People need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, 'I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.'

First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.

I have a tendency toward the pleasures of the flesh. It's a battle for me, as far as weight and things like that. But I'm curbing them because I want to continue to do comedy, and the two don't mix. So I try to fight those demons.

I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.

Once I thought that if I just had enough in the bank, if I had enough fame, that it would be all right. But I'm a human being like everyone else. I'm not exempt.