I was in the Pritikin Center in Santa Monica once, trying to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a month. I'd work... on a treadmill and with the weights, but it was driving me nuts. So I escaped. Tom Arnold picked me up and we went to Le Dome and had tons of desserts.

I'm just dandy, I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!

People need a time to laugh. It's up to us to bonk ourselves on the head and slip on a banana peel so the average guy can say, 'I may be bad, honey, but I'm not as much of an idiot as that guy on the screen.'

I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem.

I want to live fast and die young.

First off, I am 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river.

I can get a great look at a t-bone steak by shoving my head up a bull's ass but I'd rather take the butchers word for it.