I hate to say it, but because of humanity's capitalistic nature, money is important.

Alcohol is like pouring smiles on your brain.

The thing about hipsters is that they take very seriously trying to make themselves look like they don't take themselves seriously.

Obviously, we went after Trump quite a bit, but I also feel like, we can't be on anyone's side, really. We need to be on comedy's side, so we need to be fairly going after everyone, because the entire political system is a circus. So it's been fun and interesting, and I hope people enjoy the evolution of the show. It'll continue to evolve because you can't do the same show forever. I feel like people would get bored with that.

A lot of people complain in the year 2003 that it's not the world of tomorrow as foreseen in the 1950s. 'Where are the flying cars?' people say. 'Where are the robots who bring us blue drinks and warn us of danger?' Alright. We don't have those things, specifically, folks, but you know what we do have? Laser vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

You walk into a strip club with a wad of cash; they all flock around you. Strippers are just pigeons with tits. They go where the bread is.

If you wish to achieve any success in this life, do your best to surround yourself with an orgy of good choices.