Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

You just got to be really logical when you're a comedian - to a fault. Like a lawyer's got to believe in the law.

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.