America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

I think all the funny people were bullied. When they talk about outlawing bullying, it's like, what? You want no Comedy Central?

You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'