There's always a moment in any stand-up show I do where people are booing. They kinda boo a premise. And then I bail myself out with a joke. But it's like trying to do movies where there's a dramatic undertone.

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.

People really cared more about women's hair. But nobody takes you seriously with Jheri curls is what we've deduced. If you got an Afro and you go "Fight the power" people will follow you. If you got a Jheri curl, people just laugh.

Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!

Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.