Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

I mean no disrespect to anything I did before.

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, Duh, where are all the famous people?