You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.