Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.