So, to say Obama is progress is saying that he’s the first black person that is qualified to be president. That’s not black progress. That’s white progress. There’s been black people qualified to be president for hundreds of years. The question is, you know, my kids are smart, educated, beautiful, polite children. There have been smart, educated, beautiful, polite black children for hundreds of years. The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

There are a lot of good comics, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics - there are black comics that work only black crowds, gay comics that do only gay crowds, and southern comics that only work down South, and so on with Asian, Latino, Indian, midgets, etc. The previous generation's comics were better because they had to make everybody laugh.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

You don't pay taxes; they take them from your check. That's not a payment - that's a 'jack.

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.