Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.

I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

If you're the president you only have two jobs: peace and money.