There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded?

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

People basically aren't that racist. They want their laughs. If I make a white guy laugh, he's gonna come see me. He's not gonna go see the white guy who doesn't make him laugh just because that guy is white.