The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.

You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.

That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!