Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.