Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!

It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

There's always a moment in any stand-up show I do where people are booing. They kinda boo a premise. And then I bail myself out with a joke. But it's like trying to do movies where there's a dramatic undertone.

People basically aren't that racist. They want their laughs. If I make a white guy laugh, he's gonna come see me. He's not gonna go see the white guy who doesn't make him laugh just because that guy is white.

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.