Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Early in my career it was very important that I gain the reputation. I haven't been on the road in two or three years, but when I say tickets are on sale, I know they're going to be gone, even if my movie bombed or my TV show sucked.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.