You won’t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?"

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded?

Money is the best lotion in the world.