Is America ready for a black president? Well, I say we just had a retarded one. When did being black become a bigger deterrent than being retarded?

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go What did I say?! I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go Eww, that was mean.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative!

Learn how to cook. Read books that will educate you. Get an education. Get a career. And support yourself. And live in a section of town that isn't conducive to violence.