My mother got sick when I was rich. And my mother, you know … I don’t really want to get into it, but my mother was sicker than my father. And my mother’s alive. My mother’s fine, OK? I remember going to the hospital to see my mother and wondering, ‘Was I in the right place?’ Like, this was a hotel. Like it had a concierge, man. If the average person really knew the discrepancy in the health care system, there’d be riots in the streets, OK? They would burn this m-therf—ker down!

Emotional affairs, those are the only real affairs; those are the real ones.

I live way below my means.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.

It's easier to get on show business, the hard part is to maintain. Nobody stays famous forever.

Carol Leifer is funny, really funny.