The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.

That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!

Eddie Murphy is to comedians what Nicki Minaj is to Spanx.

Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.

Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.

Standup comedians are attracted to one another because of their faults. So we're all kind of messed up in the same way, and once I was around a group of people that saw the world in a different way, it's like this is where I need to be.

I ain't shootin' nobody. So call me a faggot! When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you!