My abject hatred of actors and the acting world. I went to college as an actor, and halfway through, I switched to playwriting and directing. Then I spent a couple years working in publishing, doing some freelance journalism for The Village Voice and Musician magazine. I thought my life was going to be as a writer, but then I realized I missed performing, so I got into comedy. It was a nice combination of things I was sort of good at. I was a pretty good writer and a decent actor, but I didn't really like acting, and I didn't have the discipline to be a writer.

I think I speak for America when I say, nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg.

I'm not an alcoholic. I just drink that way.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.