I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

What is the point of a car alarm if it doesn't get people out of their beds to come help you? So if I ever have a car alarm - if I ever have a car - it's just going to be a big speaker on the back of my car. And when anybody tries to break in, it's just gonna go: Attention! Free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed!

I hope that if I ever disappear, people don't look for me based on the last websites I visited. Kind of an awkward press conference for my parents. Officer, do you have any leads? Well, based on Mr. Finnegan's computer entries, we think he was abducted by Sorority Sluts.

Some of you guys must have real jobs - office jobs. Anybody? By a show of broken spirits.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.