I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

There's something so awesome about being able to get up in front of a microphone and do exactly what you want. Stand-up is as close as you're ever going to get to being 100 percent in control of a situation artistically, and I don't understand why people wouldn't want to keep doing that.

I had no choice but to make me as a comedian, because I am not particularly gifted with a lot of marketable skills. Unless I really want to spend the rest of my life temping, or teaching drama to third-graders, I don't have a lot of other options - which is freeing, in a way. I never have to say, "Well, I could always go back to law school."

If you refuse to see Superman Returns this summer, what you're saying about yourself is: I heart Al Qaeda.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

If think the pig was terrified because he was fully aware that after segment he was going to be fed to Al Roker.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.