I was going to talk about Nicholas Parsons' ignorance, but 18 seconds would be a wholly insufficient time.

Owning a racehorse is probably the most expensive way of getting on to a racecourse for nothing.

The depressing thing about an Englishman's traditional love of animals is the dishonesty thereof ... Get a barbed hook into the upper lip of a salmon, drag him endlessly around the water until he loses his strength, pull him to the bank, hit him on the head with a stone, and you may well become fisherman of the year. Shoot.the salmon and you'll never be asked again.

If anyone tells me I'm fat, I say, - That's because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit

If you mind losing more than you enjoy winning, don't bet.

I've known Nicholas Parsons for a fairly long time and his geniune pleasures are in rubber tubes, metal clips

There's no law that decrees when not to whinge, but you reach a certain age - 80 seems about right - when you're expected to manifest querulousness - the coffee's too hot, the boiled egg's too soft.