The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

A weird sort of awareness set in, like, 'Wow. My stand-up isn't just separate from everything else I do anymore.' With Twitter and Face book, everything is universal that everything everybody says gets seen.