I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

I'm quietly becoming New York's premiere actor. People don't understand. They have me pigeon-holed as a comedian.

That’s the beauty of being a comedian: it’s the one job you’re allowed to do that. We’re lucky. We’re really lucky.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.