You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.

With comedians, you have that understanding that we're trying to get laughs.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.