People say history was written by the winners. No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I've been to Japan, I've been to China, I've been to Africa, I've been to the Middle East, I've been to Europe a little bit. I've never been to South America.

Everybody says before reviews come out, 'Oh, reviews don't matter,' just in case they're bad; everyone want to brace themselves.