The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

The Senate was holding hearings on deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly, making them think they're going to get a bunch of money, when in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

That’s the beauty of being a comedian: it’s the one job you’re allowed to do that. We’re lucky. We’re really lucky.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

Somehow, it was so happy a time. Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.

Everybody's funny in different ways.