The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?