I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.