I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.