I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.