BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too and make me clean it up.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.