The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.