I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

I don't know how much of a natural human I am. Y'know, the truth is, I never set out to do that, and I don't think of myself like that. I don't think like that. It's not really about promotion - I don't really understand the idea of promotion, talking to a camera for more money. That's just money. And I like money, don't get me wrong. I don't know. I don't get it. I don't understand it as much as you don't understand me, I think.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.

Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.