Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. Francis was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of Pope Boo Boo.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.